July. It’s “That” Month

august

July.

Everybody has a month. A month that brings memories bubbling to the surface. Time when your brain overthinks and messes around with your emotions.

It’s July for me. I didn’t have a month before. I didn’t get all messed up at night, and lay in bed unable to shut my brain off before July 2013.

Night after night. I know it will continue until August 1. That is how it has been for almost four years now.

If you know me well, you know why. Shawn died on July 31, 2013. If I let my mind wander during this month, I can see that entire day in my mind. I don’t really want my mind to wander, but I get caught off guard, and the emotions start tumbling around. Usually it’s when I am still, and quiet.

This year, I was experiencing my usual July restlessness, when I received a text yesterday, “Ginger died last night at 9:30 pm.”

July. You had to give us another thing in common. Us? Yes, I have a wonderful male best friend named Thomas. He was actually my first boyfriend after my divorce. I was a total whack job at that point, and decided wisely that we were better as friends. Over the years, we have rolled in and out of each other’s lives, with an ease reserved only for those who trust each other 100% with their entire being.

Shawn was diagnosed with brain cancer in 2012. I shared the news with Thomas and he listened to me when I needed to talk. Ginger was diagnosed with ALS in 2012, and then, we both were living the life of caregiver to our spouses.

My caregiver journey ended after 17 months. Thomas continued down his road, and I listened, I offered support that I knew from my own experience was a pittance. As the months turned into years, his journey grew very challenging, and he was growing wearier.

We talked on the phone on July 4, and as I listened to him, I wondered if I could have been as strong as he was being.

So many commonalities in our lives, and now, we share the month of July as the month we lost our spouses. I hate that.

I have tossed and turned for hours as sleep has eluded me the past two nights. I for one, am looking forward to August. Blogging and actually putting into the universe how I am feeling is new to me. I am hoping that it has a bit of a cleansing affect, and I can sleep tonight.

My heart hurts for my friend. If I am being honest, my heart hurts for me as well. I just have to get through 18 days. I am good. I will be just fine.

July 2017 did offer a wonderful bright spot, as I met one of my closest brain cancer friends in person. I also have a “Girls Weekend” at the end of the month. If I think about, it, I have 18 days left in which there are many opportunities to experience beautiful things.

For those of you whose heart hurt in silence, I get it. I come across as the happy taco girl 24/7, but I am like everyone else. You are not alone. One day at a time. For 18 more days. July, we got this.

AGS