Hungry Girl Problems I


I’ll admit it, I am a Hungry Girl. 6’ of voluptuosity and when I get hungry, I get HUNGRY.

Today, my co-worker and I were taken out to lunch by a vendor. He’s a foodie, and we think of him more as a friend than a vendor. Usually our lunches with him involve a lunch ribeye at Leon’s, or seafood, so today we chose Dudley’s.

I love the Fried Crawfish Tails. I am not a big Cajun food fan, but damn, Dudley’s produces some amazing fried crawfish tails! A side of fresh cut french fries, and a hot roll, which I pull apart and lovingly administer butter to, as if it were “mouth to mouth” only with knife and a warm roll. Hot dam Skippy! It is some good eating.

Herein lies my HGP for today: Lane Bryant Jeans with “T3 Tighter Tummy Technology”. “You’ll love how you look in our dark rinse straight leg jean with T3 Tighter Tummy Technology. Built-in control panel firms and flattens your tummy. Built-in elastic waistband provides a comfortable fit and prevents gaps.” Per the Lane Bryant website description.

I wore my brand new pair of boot cut T3 jeans today.

On top of my new jeans, I didn’t stop and get a crispito for breakfast. By 11:30 am, I was “starvin’ Marvin” for the lack of a better term. I know, you would think my body would begin to feed off itself, but that is not how it works.

We arrive and are seated at Dudley’s. Our waiter is very attentive, and our order gets put in with a quickness. I ordered a side of garlic bread with extra butter, because I have been craving buttered bread as of late. Go figure.

The food arrives. Omg. First the warm, buttered roll. Then dipping those fried crawfish tails into their special sauce mixed with some fry – it’s a mouth orgasm.  I didn’t even get to the garlic bread. Oh, and the major breach of etiquette, I asked K. if he minded if I got a piece of chocolate pie to go. For real. I have no shame in my food game.

I know you are asking yourself, “Where is the “Problem” she eluded to in the title? Here is it:

The 3T Tighter Tummy Technology jeans were killing me! Dear Lord, they not only “flattened my tummy”, but they also seemingly pushed my bladder & stomach into my lungs! I felt like I did on any given Thanksgiving evening. I imagine I know what a full tick or mosquito feels like at capacity.

Back at the office, I seriously wanted to unbutton the two buttons and let down my zipper. The piece of chocolate pie sat in the fridge, waiting for me to inhale it tomorrow. My intestines shuffled around after a few hours, so I felt better.

So, Lane Bryant made my tummy look good, but they totally screwed me over after lunch. I can’t even imagine if I had been wearing any kind of SPANX!

K. drives a company car, a Ford Fusion to be specific, and it rides close to the ground. When we got back to our office, I felt like I should  have just thrown my legs out the passenger door, and let him push my butt until I fell out into the parking lot after lunch.

It was all worth it. Delicious food, lively conversation, and great company. Making memories and enjoying the small things in life. (even if that did involve some overindulgence that gave me grief for a few hours)

If you ever visit Longview, Texas, I encourage you to try Dudley’s. Hell, I will meet you there if I am around. I always appreciate breaking bread with others who enjoy delicious food as much as I do.

That Special Friend

ginger art

Many of us have that one special friend who can make anything sound perverted. I say “many” instead of “all” because there are a lot of people who walk a little bit closer to God than I do, and they don’t hang around people like that.

I will be honest and say that I do have a few special friends like that. If I ever were to become entirely friendless, I would be that person for myself.  I prefer to have someone special though because the “give & take” of perversion is more fun. I can sit and pervert inside my head all day long, but what is the fun in that. I need an “equal” to spar with, and to help me enhance my skills.

 I don’t know where it started, but I have had things flying out of my mouth unfiltered for years. Oft times, I don’t even mean for it to be controversial, but after I see the reaction of others, I know that once again, I have done it.

For example, this ditty I came up with today at work. The backstory is that I decided to break into my bag of sunflower seeds and needed a “spit cup”. *Spit Cup: A 12 oz. Styrofoam cup in which we ladies deposit our sunflower seed shells. We go full on lady-like and spit the shells into our cups.  As I was walking back to the break room to get said cup, I came up with this one the fly and started singing it to the tune of the “I’m a Little Teapot” nursery rhyme:

“I’m a little spit cup,

Short and stout,

Here is my mouth hole,

Don’t wear me out.”

Now, I wasn’t thinking about anything but rhyming and the cup when I sang the last 2 lines. Seriously. Immediately upon hearing it, by female co-worker began laughing, and a while later, a male co-worker came by and said, “What was that song you were singing about a cup?”.

 It’s a natural gift. You question that I call it a gift. Well, I am a great conversationalist, can be popular at parties should I choose to be, and I don’t need alcohol to loosen up my gift, so I can just arrive and hit the ground running. I don’t always paint with the colors of perversion, as I know how to read my crowd, but it’s like a bacchanalia in my brain. I think my humor is fantastical. Not for everyone, and the saying “To know me is to love me” doesn’t apply to me at all.

 Another gem from today:

 Female co-worker to male co-worker re an electric stapler in the office:  “You have to push it in and out for it to come out.”  My comment was, “Isn’t that generally what you have to do? I thought that is how things work naturally.”

 I know. I know.